I'm thinking of ghost stories. Here's one that expresses a common theme I'd like to elaborate on. This story was featured in "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction," season one episode two. It's called "The Subway." Supposedly this is a true story.

Here's the condensed version: A young couple wants to go out for the night. They decide to take the subway downtown. Even though it's a Saturday night in downtown LA or something like that, it's deserted. They get on the train and there's only one other man on there dressed in a suit or tux or something. The couple realize that they're not sure which train they're on and there's no map or sign. They ask the man where this train goes and he replies, "This train goes nowhere." The lights flicker off and on again, and the ghost is gone.

The train picks up speed, going faster and faster without stopping at any station until the couple is worked up into a panic. Finally it stops and they get off, only to realize they are back where they started. The couple goes back to the apartment building and smell gas coming from the apartment of the old lady next door. They find the spare key (they're the only ones who know where it is) and get her out. The old lady is fine. Before leaving, the girl of the couple sees a picture on the mantle of the man on the subway, suit and all, and asks who it is. The old lady says, "It's my dead husband. He said he'd always watch over me."

So, what we're to believe is that the ghost knew that his wife was in trouble, and the best way to save her was to get the neighbors to rescue her. I can buy that. I can think of a lot of scenarios where that would play out. And this ghost decides to do it by scaring the couple so badly that they return home in a panic.

This plays right into my theory that ghosts are jerks. I mean, he couldn't tell them they needed to go home, he couldn't keep them off the subway yet clearly he could make a train go crazy. If he has the power to make a train go insane and not go anywhere, couldn't he get the couple to go home without scaring them to death?

I think he could. I think that ghost was just a huge jerk. And in fact a lot of ghosts in these supposedly true stories are huge jerks who are supposed to be the dead spirits of otherwise good and kind people who clearly care about others, since they're here to protect them, and yet they scare the pants off of people to get them to do these things. Why? Because they're jerks.

I fully expect some miffed spirit to be haunting me in the near future. If I never post again, it may very well be because I died of ghost fright. But there you go. Ghosts are jerks.